..:right here right now:..

grrrrr

2007-01-21T20:18:11Z

shame on the weather. its making my body hurt..

i'm tired of people. mostly people at work.. and at times my family.. I'M GOING TO CANCUN FOR SPRING BREAK!
yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited.
i am bored with this town, its lame and there is nothing to do.
too many things are changing in my life, and i'm starting to get uneasy about alot of them. the day amanda leaves will be such a horrible day... i will cry my eyes out. not to mention josh is leaving just a week prior. emily is not going to be ok.
i'm upset, yet enlightened at the same time... i have seen this coming for so long and had SOOOO much time to get myself ready, but i feel like it hit me like a ton of bricks. but i guess this can help me in the future?? eh, who knows... but this is the most alone i have ever felt. a few years back, its was like "ohhh man lauren is leaving, but i still have zach, amanda and jess!" then it was "oh man, zach and jess are leaving, oh well i still have amanda" then it was "oh man, amanda is leaving" ........................wait wasnt there suppose to be a second part? guess not.
its just hard to imagine, i'm going to be sooo bored.

i'm trying to be strong, but most of the time i find it like trying to fight a losing battle. endless.

emerlou22 @ 2007-01-10T23:28:00

2007-01-11T04:35:23Z

if life was always what we expected, it would be so boring..
i never thought i would be in the position i am now... its rather refreshing, and awakening.. but now that i'm here, i cant imagine life any other way..

i <3 this one.. i think i'll keep him.

steam

2006-09-14T03:50:42Z

Rut there are just times when you feel like you need to express yourself and there is no better place to do it then journal...
life is insane right now.. I feel overwhelmed, and exhausted.. And it’s only the second week of school... I feel like I’m in a rut, and quite frankly I’m not happy with this rut. Nevertheless I’m happy with life as a whole, just not this particular portion.
I feel more or less, like I’m doing doing doing, and constantly sacrificing ME TIME for everyone else… its rough when you cant remember the last time you just sat alone and thought about everything… I need that right now… everything is just cluttered, my room, my car, my schedule, my job, my love life, and my thoughts. I’m 17; I am not suppose to be this stressed out.
Boys are complicated creatures. They never seize to amaze me. Or piss me off for that matter. This time of year brought back familiar memories of Eric, this being the time we got together last year… and I miss him. Mostly I miss having someone around… who I could talk to all the time, who I could have fun with, and who I could just relax with. I know things ended for the better with us… But I have yet to find a steady new guy… And I’m getting impatient cause it’s been year… but the more I talk to people the more I realize I’m young, and there is no need to settle down, or settle at all. I cant wait for “the person” cause he’s out there… I know…
Thank GOD for friends though. Amanda has been a saint to me. I know she was sent to me for a reason… I cant explain how our relationship is… but that’s all I now; it is… she understands me, and knows the real me… there isn’t the drama that has occurred in other relationship… no jealousy, no betrayal. Just us, and that it refreshing.
When I look at my life in perspective of how it was a year ago, I’m happy to see myself grown-up. Where I was last year was bad. I was full of resentment and disrespect for my parents, and I took that out on them. I was on a slow downward spiral… and it was the best thing that’s ever happen to me. But, like they always do, they never gave up. in turn I realized that I never need to be that way with them. There is NO reason why I should ever have to lie to them about my everyday life… They pulled me closer and held on with everything they had… and I’m changed… I gain back their trust and turned into the person I want to be. yay.
Sorry if this was boring… like I said I needed to get it out… with all that said i'm gonna pull myself out of this rut, and make the best of every day...
I’m going to study, then sleep..
Much love <3

emerlou22 @ 2006-07-09T13:50:00

2006-07-09T17:50:34Z

happy birthday to me

emerlou22 @ 2006-07-01T11:46:00

2006-07-01T15:50:32Z

some 4th of july weekend i'll have.. work, work, and lets see.... MORE WORK!
at least i'll be rich.
i'm going down to kentucky for my birthday weekend. but the thursday before i leave i wanna do somethin... yeah? yeah...
well i must get ready for work. yay. no.

emerlou22 @ 2006-06-29T00:13:00

2006-06-29T04:18:07Z

working in the kitchen hurts my arms.. and my hands.. ugh..
tonight i saw "click" with Ben. then we watched the fireworks (40 miles away) while sitting on top of his car. it was really really awesome..
then we went back to his place and watched the simpsons till i had to go home.. wooo whooo..

t minus 11 days and counting till the big 1-7...

tomorrow is work. as usual.. blah..

emerlou22 @ 2006-06-27T00:32:00

2006-06-27T04:44:04Z

some people are crazy and psyco and scare me, because they nearly kill themselves in front of my eyes... its kinda hard to stop thinking about it.. i see it happen over and over again.. in the end it turned out more better than worse, but it really caused me to gain a new perspective on things and life and the people whom i thought i would love forever and how they turn out to be so very different.. its crazy and weird... it makes me think that anything is possible and life can be ripped from your hands in the blink of an eye...

on another lighter note.. this guy.. yeah, hes awesome..... yeeeeha.. tomorrow i'm gonna work out finally and lay out.. then i work in the kitchen @ work and i'm excited cause its fun.. yay for cross-training and me pretty much being in charge of the place.. jk jk but almost...

i suppose bed is a good thought about now considering my night consisted of going to Grahmm lake and looking @ stars.... it was rather energy consuming if i say so myself... sweet dreams

emerlou22 @ 2006-06-14T00:21:00

2006-06-14T04:29:36Z

i'm super stressed, and i'm doing it to myself..
i needed to clean out my "closet" a long time ago.. finally its done.
life can go on as planned.
work is a bitch... now i work in the kitchen, and i'm the "boss" of the counter girls.. haha yay me. $$$$$$$$$$$$

still in love with baby triplets. Harrison, Conor, and Addison = love.

i also still love Ben J.. yeeeeeeeeha.

JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS SAM RIMI IS THE BEST EVER AND HE GOT ME THE SWEETEST B-DAY PRESENT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TIX TO THE 89X B-DAY BASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE SAM.

school, work, and WCT shit tomorrow... i love it.

emerlou22 @ 2006-06-07T00:13:00

2006-06-07T04:17:47Z

life is good..
triplets make me super happy...
finding a new job..
sagebrush wants me..
i love bartenders..
ben is the hottest guy ever..
i want him. bad.
54 is a awesome movie.
black cherry twisted is delish..
i love babies.
school is boring..
i'm tired.
goodnight.

emerlou22 @ 2006-05-29T22:15:00

2006-05-30T02:16:02Z

"Hate Me"- Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

emerlou22 @ 2006-04-23T17:19:00

2006-04-24T00:21:17Z

yay for charlie.....

friends are amazing.. i like being tan....

emerlou22 @ 2006-03-30T10:21:00

2006-03-30T15:22:18Z

there is no f-ing way.

dont you wish your brother was fun like mine?

2006-03-23T17:35:19Z

switchboarder16 (10:59:01 PM): have you ever had a dream that you were falling... and just as you were about to hit the ground you pulled yourself up and erected yourself up into space, the black of night that hangs over the lands like a crisp blanket doom only to be broken by the dawn of the first ray?

emerlou22 @ 2006-03-14T12:00:00

2006-03-14T17:02:08Z

emerlou22 @ 2006-03-07T22:26:00

2006-03-08T03:28:17Z

today was crazy.. i love sleeping and i'm gonna do that right now..

Mitchell made my day today.. he was a good friend..
i love good friends..

goodnight

emerlou22 @ 2006-02-24T16:20:00

2006-02-24T21:37:53Z

spring break.... finally..

today sammy came over and we made lunch and it was awesome.. then i went and visited my bro at work.. and took Kev some lunch.. he is funny and lets me drive his truck and i like it..

tonight i have to work.. and CLOSE YUCK.. lol i have nothing better to do on a friday night... i heard about this one marti gras party and they give out beads for girls who DONT SHOW THEIR BOOBS.. lol lame? yeah.
isnt that the point? W/E

next weekend should be swell... i am excited..
i have this huge zit on my chin, and i'm trying to be happy about it.. lol it gives me personality..

i love you :)

emerlou22 @ 2006-02-18T14:17:00

2006-02-18T19:23:54Z

why is everything like AH..

when life gives you lemons, are you really suppose to make lemonade? because life would also have to give you sugar and water..

whatever..
last night was A.O.K.

lauren will be here tonight...

time flies when you are growing up.

why dont you NEED me???

emerlou22 @ 2006-02-15T14:14:00

2006-02-15T19:38:06Z

Valentines day was....
I am confused about feelings that keep tapping me on the shoulder.. I'm afraid after a while, they won't go away when I tell them too.
Turn around and everything you thought was the truth is not... but then again, what is truth anyway?
I waited.. for too long and now I'm tired of being the one waiting..

And. Theres nothing left to say...

emerlou22 @ 2006-02-15T14:14:00

2006-02-15T19:38:06Z

emerlou22 @ 2006-02-10T10:45:00

2006-02-10T16:25:34Z

i have such a low tolerance for people who just assume they are better than you... PLEASE...
had a nice talk with an old friend yesterday.. it was much needed and overdue... i miss how things were before :(
but i guess everything happens for the better... right??
i FINALLY got to see Sam. it had been years... lol jk but we had not hung out with one another for a really long time.. even tho the OC was depressing, i'm glad he came over to watch it..

i miss you :(

work tonight, then hanging out with my girlie, LAUREN..
oooo i love it..

emerlou22 @ 2006-01-28T13:43:00

2006-01-28T18:47:11Z

so, i dont like my job anymore.. i like driving my old boss's truck... its hawt...
i like boys
and i like YOU..

emerlou22 @ 2006-01-22T23:16:00

2006-01-23T04:26:55Z

1. Something purple within 5 feet of you?
a goose down blanket

2. The sexiest item of clothing you own?
My black lace boyshorts and matching bra :)

3. Your nails were last painted?
PINK!

4. The weirdest thing you've ever heated in the microwave?
uhhh idk..

5. How much Japanese do you know?
none
6. Do you look good in yellow?
uhh no

7. Do you sing?
not well

8. Ever danced naked in front of a crowd?
NO!

9. Do you spit?
hahahahha.. no

10. Is your hair long enough to chew on?
yeah.

11. Least favorite color?
rust... or ugly green

12. Ever had Dippin' Dots?
yeah! i love cookies and cream

13. Ever played an instrument?
Violin for 5 years

14. Ever had an H2O massage?
No.

15. Do you believe in Big Foot?
no

16. Ever been to a palm reader?
Nope.

17. Last Pez dispenser you purchased?
uhhh i dont have any

18. Have you had sex in your current car?
I dont have a car

19. Did you have a good weekend?
i worked.. every day

20. What are you thinking about right now?
this guy

21. Have you ever had a black eye?
once

22. How is today going for you?
alright

23. Any plans for tonight?
yes.. sleeping

24. Ever photograph something that was dead?
yeah.. when i killed shaneo
27. Do you find Smurfette sexy?
wtf?
28. Current disappointment?
no car

29. Do you have an air freshener in your car?
yeah

30. Do you have plants in your room?
no

31. If you could drink anything right this moment, what would it be? water

32. Last piece of mail opened?
something from the bank

33. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my sides

34. What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
CHIcago

35. Last alcoholic drink you had?
???????????

36. If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?
no way

37. What were you doing at 9 PM last night?
working

38. What is your favorite drink at Starbucks?
Double Chocolate chip Frap.

39. Do you exercise as much as you should?
Yes, now i do

40. Did you do the deed on prom night?
nope.. i spent it with some of the most amazing guys tho

41. Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
umm it depends

emerlou22 @ 2006-01-10T10:05:00

2006-01-10T15:14:01Z

i miss how things used to be... i miss the summer. it was perfect...

last night i had a thought.. but its not worth sharing.. i'm just not sure what to do with my feelings right now...

emerlou22 @ 2006-01-09T10:00:00

2006-01-09T15:00:40Z

51 things u dont know about me or maybe you do.

1. What is your middle name:
Rebecca

2. How big is ur bed?
Twin

3. What are you listening to right now?
my mom talking on the phone

4. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
30

5. What was the last thing you ate?
dinner last night, steak and a baked potato..

6. Last person you hugged?
Mitch

7. How is the weather right now?
gross

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Nate

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Face

10. Favorite type of Food?
Italian or Chinese

11. Do you want children?
yes, but not for a while

12.Ever Skinny Dipped?
yes

13. Ever done something you regret?
yes. many things, one in particular

14. Hair color?
Blonde

15. eye color?
Brown

16. Do you wear contacts?
nope

17. Favorite holiday?
4th of july or christmas

18. Favorite Season?
Summer

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
yeah :(

20. Last Movie you Watched?
8 mile in flordia with lauren

29. What books are you reading?
eh, i dont remember

30. Piercings?
2 in each ear, and i USED to have my belly button done

31. Favorite movie?
oh man, i really loved the chronicals of Narnia... it was amazing

32. Favorite college football Team?
State or Purdue

33. What were you doing before filling this out?
sleeping

34. Any pets?
JAMMY!

35. AIM?
Meemers48

37. Dogs or cat?
Dogs

38. Favorite Flower?
Pink roses or hybiscus (sp?)

39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
ohhhh Lord have I

40. Have you ever loved someone?
umm i love my family and my friends.. but have i ever been IN LOVE? i dont know

41. Who would you like to see right now?
my cousins Lauren and Bailey...

42. Are you still friends with your ex?
the most recent, no.

43. Have you ever fired a gun?
yes

44. Do you like to travel by plane?
eh, its faster

45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right

46. If you could be with someone right now who would it be?
like date them? i am not sure

47. How many pillows do you sleep with?
like 50

48. Are you missing someone?
yes :( my cousins and this one guy...

49. Do you have a tattoo?
no

50. Do you still watch cartoons on saturday mornings?
nope

51. Are you hiding something from someone?
i'm hiding stuff from people who dont need to know

emerlou22 @ 2005-12-31T11:30:00

2005-12-31T16:30:23Z

so, i'm moving to flordia...